So could you just start by saying your name and what you do? 

 

Yeah, my name is Drew Hyun, and I'm a pastor of a church in New York City.

 

When you were growing up, did you feel like love had to be earned from your parents? 

 

Oh, 100%

Yeah. My parents weren't around much, so I'd say more so for my dad than my mom. My mom, she was just, I always, I mean, my earliest memories of her being very sacrificial. So she cooked, she cleaned, she was the primary caretaker, even though she also worked a job doing the graveyard shift. So she would basically go to work at night as a nurse, and then she'd come back in the morning. I have distinct memories of her walking in with her scrubs getting us ready for school, and I to go to go to work at night. So so my mom was with us more often. My dad, he just wasn't around very much. And when he was around, he'd be very, very angry, and that anger was a lot of it was tied to just us not measuring up in certain ways. So yeah,

 

Do you think there's a moment with your own father that shaped the way that you parent right now?

 

I mean, for sure, I don't think it's just my father. I think it's my dad and my mom. I don't know if it's a moment, as much as it is just the culture we grew up in, you know, so I think I made a pretty significant commitment. I. Uh, raised us was available to us and showered affection on us.

 

Okay, um, finish this sentence.

In my family, we never talked about blank,

 

Gosh, we never, there are so many things. We never talked about athletics, we never talked about: sex, we never talked about relationships, friend groups, friendships, or social life.

Career.  I've got those things. Did you say my family or with my parents?

 

It could be both, 

 

yeah, yeah, yep, no, I'd say the same with I guess my brothers and I, we talked about sports all the time. I and social lives and things like that. But otherwise, parents did not, not with my parents, yeah, was limited to, it's very limited to, like, my dad's agendas related to topics of faith and then money like those were the most prominent topics.

 

Do you think that your parents were showing you love in ways other than with words?

 

Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, I mean, it's her sacrifice time. I think my dad thought he was loving us. We just didn't feel that from him. But knowing now, I do believe he was trying to love us through tough love, you know, having us go through tough experiences and challenging us to do new things. So like, right now, as a 46 year old adult like I, I'm grateful for some of the more challenging experiences that I was put in, which I used to be very resentful for. So none of that those experiences aren't the type of things that like were products of his anger, but more just products of his own philosophy, like we worked at a gas station when I was in high school,

we had to, yeah, yeah. You know, the vacations we went on were mission trips. I imagine this is probably similar to your, you know, things like that, where I'm like, man, there's in the moment I was pretty resentful, like, Gosh, why are you making me do these things? But as I look back, I think there were certain challenging experiences, like, even when we go to Korea, he would, like my dad would, and we only went a couple times. One time again I worked at a gas station. Another time he would split up. You know, I have three brothers. He would split all of us up so we all had to stay at different houses, and it was so that we can learn how to speak Korean and stuff like that, you know, Looking back, I'm like that, you know, and it's only now in conversations that I'm having with him where I could see his philosophy was really like wanting to shape us so that we would be ready for difficult circumstances, being able to thrive in environments that

We just weren't used to, being exposed to poverty, you know, talk about mission, church, just being exposed to the world other than, you know, the life that I was growing up in. 

 

Were there ever moments that you wanted to ask for help, but you weren't able to?

 

No

Okay, so I think, I think, I think there was a certain level of trauma bonding I had with my brothers. So I have a twin brother, and I have two older brothers. We're all

preaching. And we all kind of went through it together, and we all were resentful to my dad, so I think there was, there was already that common community going through the shared suffering together that, yeah, oh, but so you wouldn't be asking for help from your dad at all. Right. No, no, yeah.

 

Okay. Last question, how were you able to find your voice in a culture that values silence?

 

I mean, it's, it's my faith. I mean, it's,I think it's definitely my faith. I think I think the world around me, and I mean, you've probably heard this from your parents before, like,

gosh, what was your age, or how old are you again? 17? Oh, yeah. So like, not 25 that. So that's 28 years. 29 years ago. For me, with that said it's, it's, it's just a different world. Most people didn't even know Korea. I was our family. My brothers were the only Korean kids playing sports. We were the only Asian Americans on the field. Our high school was largely black and black and brown, and so was our so was our league playing sports. So like, you know, we were the only Asians on our block and our house got t peed. Do you know what that is? Totally, yeah, yeah, T peed and egged and I Just, I don't know, and there still is racial hostility in New York.

I imagine for you, it's just different. I mean, yeah, never in my wildest dreams have imagined that K Pop demon hunter would be the number one, yeah, or that Asian Americans would be seen as, I don't know, cool or, and that Korean food would be popular like so it's just a different world. And I think in the midst of that, I think it it was just hard to find my own footing. But it was, it was faith be. And the reason why was because, you know, it felt like things at home were changing so frequently with what, you know, with my dad's whims or his anger, explosive anger, and but faith was and because God is unchanging, I can cling to God and find my greatest security in God, because I, you know, I couldn't find it in the world around me. It was too hostile. The world was too racially hostile. And in my home and my family, it was too hostile. And so like, where's the one place of peace? And it was, it was faith. And I think so, you know, I played football when I was in high school, and I was, I was pretty good my sophomore year, we were, I was captain of the JV team with my twin brother and but it was my first time, a lot of time, because my first year, you know, my sophomore year, I captained our JV football team at J. Basketball team and before the basketball season. Well, something, well, what, you know, what happened to me was I my sophomore year, I just, I was a pretty good player, and I worked hard, kind of quiet, didn't speak up much, and then I remember we played one of the best teams in our league that was known for having some of the best athletes. And that team in our league, they had several, not several, they had at least, like, you know, two, two players that would go on to play in the NBA, in basketball, two players that would go on to play in the NFL. And our school was pretty good too, like we had a couple players that would go on to play in the NFL.

I remember the coaches were somewhat disappointed in me, because I was too I was, I was a good player, but I was kind of tentative and and basically, again, it was maybe the eighth game of the year, and we're playing this team with tremendous athletes, and we were doing kickoff, and I was blocking and so go back, receive the kickoff. Guys are barreling forward, and I just, I went in front of, you know, I got in front of this guy, one of their best players, and I tried blocking him, and he just unloaded on me, like, just defeated me. I like it's the only sensation I've had of, like, falling backward and like, and being in the air, you know, like, I just have never had that sensation before, other than at, like, various whatever. Maybe it's climbing or something, but I had, Then something clicked in me, after I got knocked down so badly, so embarrassingly, it was basically like, you know, I'm, I'm gonna get, I'm basically gonna get de cleated, and I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get crushed, whether I whether I like, especially if I'm timid, I'm just gonna get destroyed. And I basically said, I'm either gonna if I'm gonna get destroyed, if I'm gonna get like, knocked over, like, basically knocked on my ass, I might as well just go all out like a crazy man and then something clicked in me, that game man and I played, but I started playing like A man on fire, like I was just and I, you know, I still got knocked down at times because I was smaller and slower than other players, but at that point I was just like, I'm just gonna go all out and

but it changed everything. I lost some of that timidness, and I was willing to, like, I don't know, I was willing to just go for it. And again, a lot of that came, comes also in the context of faith. It was like, you know, God's God loves me. He approves of me. I don't need my dad's approval. I don't need anyone else's approval. I have God's approval because I have God's approval, like, I'm just gonna go all out. So that ended up shaping the rest of my, you know, high school basketball, and I wasn't okay. Uh, we had a guy on our baseball team that ended up playing in the major leagues. We had a guy on our football team that was the number one draft pick. We had a guy on our so I played with great players, but I think they would all have respected the fact that I was just I was I became unafraid after my sophomore year,

and then, I don't know if you've heard me share in a sermon I tried out for our college football team. It at Berkeley, and I got cut, but whatever. But it was one of those things where it was like. Right? You know what? I'm just gonna I'm gonna go all out and let the cards fall where they may, because I realize that in life, I'm gonna get knocked on my ass. And if I'm gonna get knocked on my ass, I might as well get knocked on my ass. If I'm, like, going all out, you know, instead of being afraid, because

it's

almost like I've wasted that chance, you know? Yeah, so, and I think that ended up shaping my voice when it comes to all these things, you know now, Were there moments of embarrassment for sure, like when I didn't make the football team in college, felt like a failure. You know, when I broke, you know, someone, a girl I was dating, broke my heart. Yeah, felt, felt awful. But

there was something about my faith and the assurance of identity that I found in my faith that ended up shaping the way that I would just go all out. So, So, generally speaking, I I think since that moment, I've been pretty unafraid, and a lot of it, and, you know, obviously there's moments when I come back to that fear, but it's it's often found in just coming back and resorting

back knocked on your butt. And the reality is, Ethan you probably, you know, high school is tough, especially nowadays with all the voices man and like, sorry. Now I'm speaking to you directly, but I hope you can find an assurance, apart from your family and apart from,

you know, and a lot of mental health stuff is a lot of it's around like self actualizing and things like that, which is all great. I just think that that self actualization needs to come from

I think it becomes more sturdier when it's founded in God, because I think God has, you know, God's outside of us, and heck, knowing me, I am up and down all over the place. You know, I'm getting nervous about preaching today because I'm like, It's my first time.

But if I can just find my identity and security in God, it's all good. Yeah, thank you.